Adoption Experience

Adoption Reunions

2011-08-24T06:10:00.000-07:00

I've been reading blogs about adoptees experiences with reuniting with their biological family. It's heartbreaking. I hope there are some more positive stories out there, but the ones I read a just so sad.

Adoptees looking to reunite with bio relatives are naturally curious about the family they were born into. I'd imagine it's natural to have great expectations and be excited about knowing your full history.

Expectations really are at the centre of this type of event. Fantasies of the perfect parent-child relationship create such high expectations it would be difficult to meet.

I still think adoptees should have the power to decide if and when they will meet their biological family. Biology is a science, relationships are a much more complicated matter entirely. My wish is for peace, and respect for all.

Conversation with a Child Psychiatrist

2011-08-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

I'm fortunate to have befriended a child psychiatrist. What makes her very special to me is her knowledge of child development as well as her indepth knowledge of the adoption world, since two of her siblings were adopted. I recently spoke with her about my concern with showing my eldest daughter the picture of her birth mother and biological sister. She agreed with me and thought it best to show my daughter the picture. She also mentioned that it's important to build an honest foundation with my daughter, so she never feels that we lied to her or purposely with held anything from her. If we build a foundation of trust now, she will come to us with questions and concerns in the future, and not just regarding adoption issues. It all comes back to respect, being respectful and feeling respected. Isn't that what we all want?

Mothering 101

2011-08-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today was just an ordinary day, as some would say. There's just a few more weeks left until summer is over, the routine returns and summer days will become recent history. It was unlike your typical summer day though, in that it was pouring with rain. What to do, what to do, the house looks like a bomb went off and two sisters just want to compete for their mother's attention and play. We didn't bake, there wasn't enough available counter space in the kitchen. We didn't do laundry, which is what I knew needed to be done. We played with playdough. It did make a tremendous mess, as I predicted, but we did laugh alot too and we surprised ourselves. My youngest was thrilled with an elephant and added four legs to make a six legged elephant. My eldest made an elaborate birthday cake that doubled as a hat. All in all, a great day!

Complications in Adoption

2011-08-18T05:41:00.001-07:00

Relationships in adoption can be complicated. Recently my daughter asked what her birth mother looks like. My husband described her appearance but didn't offer to show her a picture, because he wasn't sure if we had one. He told me about their conversation later in the day. We do have one picture of her birth mother, I've asked for more pictures, but this particular birth mother only sent one. It's a picture that has the birth mother's second biological child on her lap. The birth mother decided to parent her second biological child. My husband and I have been talking about what we should do.

We're concerned that our daughter may feel rejected because her birth mother chose to keep her second child. We also wonder how she will react to finding out she has a biological (half) sister. Will that knowledge change the relationship she has with her sister within our adoptive family? Will she want to meet her birth mother and bio sister once she sees a picture of them and it all becomes much more real for her? Is she ready to handles the intense emotions that comes with meeting a birth mother and biological sister? She's already a very emotional 7 year old girl. She's very bright too and already understands that her birth mother was her mother for a short time.

Ultimately we know we will show her the picture. We have no right to withold any information about her past. I would never want her to resent us. I don't think she's ready to read letter from her birth mother. When she's older, I'll tell her we can read them together. The picture, and the letters are part of her story of where she came from and who she is. It wouldn't be fair to keep them from her, I just want to make sure that we present them when the time is right.

Kung Fu Panda 2 Review

2011-08-18T05:04:00.000-07:00

We went to the movies recently and saw Kung Fu Panda 2. The movie is very entertaining and has a positive message. I didn't expect the overwhelming adoption theme that is center stage in the movie. Early in the movie, Po, the Kung Fu Panda, begins to wonder about his story. He asks his adoptive father, Duck, where he was born and how he came to the Noodle House. Duck recalls a story of a little panda tucked into a radish crate. Duck took in Po as his son and raised him. Po is troubled about his past and continues to search for answers. He begins to have flashbacks and realizes that his biological parents loved him, but their lives were threatened and that is why his biological mother placed him in a radish crate on a cart bound for the city, in hopes his life would be spared. Po comes to find peace with his past and embraces Duck as his father.

I wish I would have previewed this movie first before seeing it with my kids! I don't think I would have shown my kids this movie had I known the language in the movie would be so confusing. Po refers to his Panda parents as his "real" mom and dad. He's upset that he was abandoned in a radish crate and left all by himself.

My eldest daughter was very emotional for 2 days after watching this movie, and I wondered how it was affecting her. I decided to sit down and read "Tell Me Again about the Night I was Born" by Jamie Lee Curtis. After reading the book I told each of my girls their adoption stories and how an adoption plan was made and their birth mother(s) chose us to be their parents. My daughters enjoyed hearing their stories and we continued on with the rest of our day. Later in the day, I made a point of telling my eldest daughter that movies are not good sources of adoption information. The next day, all was well again!

When Kung Fu Panda 3 comes out, my husband and I have decided to preview the movie first before taking our kids to see the movie. There was a hint, in this movie that the biological panda father would come looking for Po. I'm curious how the topic will be handled in the movie. I'll be interested in how they handle the topic of biology vs. adoptive family. Will they be balanced- or will there be a bias toward biology as there often is in the media. I know movies are meant to be entertaining, but I wish that they would be respectful when they take on subject matter that is very real to some of their audience members.

The Gift of An Ordinary Day

2011-01-22T07:51:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling very lucky to be a mom today. As an adoptive mom I really am fortunate to be a mom, because other infertile couples still wait for children to join them. Being a parent is a priviledge, we're moulding the next generation of our society. Kids aren't just kids, they're people too. As they look back on their childhood, they'll likely have some specific memories. Most important of all, how will they feel, when they think back on their childhood? Did they feel as though they were a gift? I certainly am not advocating to spoil your children, they inherently know when they are being treated fairly or when they've pushed it too far. In those ordinary days, did they feel seen and heard? Did someone feel they were important enough to stop, look, listen and be present to who they are and what they had to say? I want my children to feel they matter.

Our children only live with us for a short time. They grow up, move out, and create their own families. While mine live with me, I want to appreciate every day, the special and the ordinary.

Here's an inspirational video:
http://vimeo.com/8054255

"Teen Mom" TV Show~ Glorification or Reality Check?

2011-01-02T20:35:00.000-08:00

I watched an episode of the Teen Mom TV show on the Much Music channel. I was interested in watching it because I heard that a teenage couple on the show made an adoption plan for their biological baby and I was curious about how the show handled the topic of adoption.

I thought the topic of adoption was handled respectfully and honestly on the episode that I saw. The teenage couple mentioned that though they missed their biological daughter, they were thrilled with the parents they chose to be her parents. They get to see her once per year on her birthday and look forward to seeing her. The teenage couple knew they weren't ready to be parents and are proud of their decision. I was really glad they were on the TV show, as an example of what the adoption process is like these days. It's my hope that more teen moms will be better educated about adoption as an option so they will include it in their decision-making process.

It was clear in the "Teen Mom" TV show that all of the teenage parents were having some difficulty in balancing being a parent with developing stable relationships and finishing school. In my opinion, it showed how difficult it is to be a teenage parent, and any pregnant teens watching the show would get a reality check. However, in speaking with another adoptive mom, she thought the teen mom's were glorified in the show, they are after all, becoming celebrities just because they are on the TV show.

All I know is, more information is a good thing. Realistically, adoption rates will likely continue without change. Pregnant teens will weigh their options as they always have. They will consider how much support they feel they will need and most likely receive as a parent regardless of what they see on TV. After all, it doesn't feel real, until it's happening to you.

Even Santa Claus!

2011-01-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays Everyone! Best Wishes for a Peaceful and Healthy New Year!

I had to chuckle over the holidays about one particular visit to see Santa Claus. My girls are still young enough to be smitten with the Man in Red, so we go to see him as often as we can. This year one of the Santa's we visited with had one look at my daughters and asked if they were sisters. Of course they are! Just not in the way people usually assume- they're not biological sisters. Most Santa's we've seen may have noticed the same thing (my daughters look nothing alike), but they were wise enough to bite their tongue- especially being "Santa Claus!"

In any case, I hope your holiday travels bring you safely home. All the best from me and mine to you and yours!

These are the Trials of Life

2010-06-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

I've been reading stories about adoption experiences, particularly adoptees who are angry and bitter. I don't understand their pain. Nor do they understand mine. These are the trials of life. Feeling as though one is displaced without roots, feeling rejected, asking why me. It's not fair. Why? I used to wonder why was I not allowed to experience the joys of pregnancy. Sometimes I still wonder, will my daughter have a better relationship with her birthmother than she does with me? Why can't it be easy. Why can't it be simple. Why can't it be better than it is.

Because these are the trials of life. These are the bumps in the road that we all live with in these days of ours. Why stop asking why, with adoption? Why do some people get cancer or Aids or suddenly die of a heart attack? Why are some involved in a tragic accident leaving them paralyzed? Why are children abducted and sold into slavery? Why did the tsunami kill so many people and leave others half-dead, homeless and hungry? Millions of people.

Why?

Is anyone immune? No. Some coast through pretty well, for awhile if they're lucky, but the bumps come and sometimes they're so big, you'll feel displaced for awhile.

What we're left with is, how do we choose to react to the trials of life. Anger can lead to action, which can be helpful. Peace, another choice. What is our experience of life through these trials? Does worrying help? Does resentment help? How do you choose to live your life? Does it mean anything? What gives your life meaning, and does it also give you joy?

Whatever your calling, whatever your trial, my hope is that you find a space created by you and just for you, that you can call your own and you can claim your peace and joy or whatever other emotion helps you feel settled, and resolute, amidst the trials of life.

Celebrity Adoptions

2010-06-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

If I were an alien peering from outer space and used magazine covers to figure 'us' out, I'd conclude that adopting is popular among our species. There have been alot of headlines capturing adoptions by celebrities. Transracial celebrity adoptions in particular have received alot of attention the past few years. From Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopting children from Cambodia (Maddox), Africa (Zahara), and Vietnam (Pax), to Madonna adopting a child from Africa (David Banda), and the latest news, Sandra Bullock adopting Louis (isn't he darling?) from New Orleans.

My hope is that all of this attention will underline a recurring theme, which is families don't always look alike, but they are families, so get used to it. Regardless of race or colour, a family is a collection of souls abiding together. To spend any time or give any attention to race, or colour is focussing on the superficial. Unfortunately many people in our culture are superficial, that is a reality. It's not just superficiality, but also a matter of exposure. How many transracial families live in your neighborhood? How often do you see a transracial family when your out and about? These days we're seeing more and more and I think the more the better.

Whether it's a picture on a magazine cover or a family in your neighborhood, it's good to be reminded that families come together in different ways, BUT, more importantly, they're a family. Families are the fundamental building block of our society. The stronger our families, the stronger our nation. Children are our future regardless of race, culture, or celebrity status. Let's help them get a good start.

Motherhood: Priority on Possession or Being?

2010-05-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

This topic applies to fatherhood as well, but since I'm a mom, I'll focus on motherhood.

Motherhood means different things to different people. For some it's HAVING children, for others it's BEING a mother. I find this distinction interesting because I care about kids. I care about their experience of life, I care about their health, and their happiness. I care about their security and their safety. I think all children deserve respect and should be able to live in a safe environment. Who has the most control over all of these fundamental factors? Mothers.

In the most general of categories, consider two types of mothers. The mothers who like HAVING children and the mothers who throughly enjoy BEING a mother. The differences are colossal.

Mothers whose priority is having children, treat children like possessions, and are fundamentally selfish. They only look to children to get something back. To get love, to get attention, to get respect, to feel complete, to belong, to 'feel normal.' Children are basically dolls in their eyes, not real people.

On the other hand, mothers who truly love BEING mothers, understand the complexity of guiding a person through to adulthood and rise to the challenge. A mother's approach sets the tone in a home, and can affect how secure a child feels in taking risks when they're out in the world. Children know when someone is being authentic with them and they know by the tone what the underlying message is. A child knows when they are truly loved and accepted for who they are. Part of being a mother is accepting your children for who they are and who they are not.

I think it's healthy to pause from time to time and think about what kind of mother I'm being and is it the kind of mother I want to be. I've realized that it's not any specific thing that I do or say to my girls, it's how I'm being in the background (that influences specific behaviours) that's important. How do my girls feel, when they think of me? How do your children feel when they think of you? Balance in the family is important, so I don't believe that children should be made to feel they walk on water or can do no wrong. It's important children understand that moms (and dads) have feelings and needs too. But these children are our next generation. They are our future citizens, why not try to enhance their experience, so that when they are parents they'll do the same for their children.

Whether you are a mother, or hoping to be one. Consider your priorities. Do you want to give love, or are you looking for love? The road of parenthood is incredibly bumpy, enjoy the smooth sections, because the bumps just keep coming. Be honest with yourself. Are you registering your child for a sport because you want to make friends, or are you doing it because your child is genuinely interested?

In the world of motherhood, it's not realistic to permanently place a person in one category or the other. We all have moments when we switch 'teams.' The important question is, who am I/are you being most of the time. Do you treat your child like a possession or like a person who's learning as she goes?

Live without regret. Be the mother you want to be, now.

Creating an Adoption Community for your kids... and YOU!

2010-05-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking more and more about community. Whether you've experienced yoga or not you may have heard of the term 'namaste.' Namaste means 'we are all one' or we are all connected. If you stop and think about all of the communities you are a part of, you may be surprised how far reaching your communities are. Your family, work community, neighborhood community, friends, school, frequent shopping haunts, running group, biking group, sports teams, book club, and on and on it goes. We are all interconnected and ripples show their effects in one way or another.

I think it's very important to create an adoption community for kids who were adopted. It's nice to know there are other people who were adopted too, be it a neighbor, or a friend's cousin, etc. It's natural to seek out others who have similar experiences, it creates an opportunity to connect. Knowing others who have similar experiences also creates a sense of normalcy.

Our kids rely on us to create their environments, including the communities they are a part of. The friends we have, as parents, affect our childrens' friends. The communities we bring our children into, affects their experience and their perception of who they are and how they relate to the world around them. What role models do you hope your children will choose? Will any of those role models also live in their neighborhood? Will you be proactive in seeking out others to help your child improve their grades at school or improve their form for an upcoming dance competition? Will you seek others who share the experience of adoption to possibly help your child figure out what being adopted means to them? I think it would it be very valuable for my kids to be able to ask the advice of an adult who was adopted, to have such a trustworthy adult within my child's community would mean a great deal to me.

Communities don't just appear one day at your door step, they are created. There are people all around us, everyday, some we choose to interact with, some we don't. Communities are started by someone initiating contact, extending a smile, taking an interest in others, being open and inviting others in.

I don't consider myself to be particularily skilled at creating communities, but I aim to become better at it, because I'd like very much to create an adoption community for my kids. I'd like my girls to be able to go out into their neighborhood and know other people were adopted, just like them- be it their friend's dad, the previous owner of their house, a neighbor down the street or another kid at their school. I know if I was adopted, that would be important to me.

Be a leader in your community and create an adoption community for your kids too.

Nosey Questions from other Adoptive Parents

2010-05-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

We attended an event recently that was organized by the adoption agency we used for our eldest daughter's adoption. We are very appreciative that this agency takes the time and puts the energy into bringing adoptive families together.

Something happened that took us by surprise, considering we were with other adoptive families, some transracial, and some not. One of the adoptive parents in the group asked if one of our kids was biological. I was very surprised to hear this, especially considering we were at an adoptive family event. Both of our kids are caucasian, as are my husband and myself. Yes, our daughters look different, they were both adopted. Why is it that someone would feel the need to ask if one was biological?

Yes, I realize I am venting, but I am still stunned since the comment was made my another adoptive parent, who should have known that wasn't even possible, especially considering the current cultural norms.

The chance of a family who already has a biological child then being chosen for a local adoption is about a million to one. How many birth mothers do you know would choose a family when they knew there was already a biological child in the family?

Light bulb just went off. I just realized they may have thought that I had become pregnant after the first adoption. Well that wasn't the case, I've never been pregnant.

It's a pet peeve of mine, and I'm sure of many other adoptive parents when complete strangers ask nosey questions about my family. If other adoptive parents have experienced this, why aren't they more sensitive, or at least more tactful?

No one's perfect, but when it comes to being nosey about other people's families- think before you speak!!

Openness in Adoptions Today

2010-05-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

Openness in adoptions is a hot topic in the adoption world today. For those of you new to this topic, 'openness' refers to the level of contact an adoptive family has with the birth families. What I find interesting is the current trend in local adoptions is to be as open as possible. At least, it feels as though this is the case in the area we live. If your children were adopted locally, the assumption is that you have an open relationship with your child's birth family and visit with them regularly, or at least periodically. Phone numbers and addresses are exchanged so that biological relatives can contact the adoptive family whenever they like and vice versa.

This is the exact opposite of what happened 20-30 years ago. All adoptions were 'closed' adoptions, in which the adoptive families did not know the names, phones numbers or addresses of the birth parents. I can understand wanting to have some information and I can understand why some people like to build relationships with the biological parents of their child, who was adopted.

What bothers me is the 'assumption' that you will have an open relationship with the biological mother/father. Last I checked Canada, and the US were free countries, in which we value free choice. I don't like band wagons, I think they are dangerous.

The assumption that you will have an open relationship with the birth mother assumes that the birth mother will be a positive influence in your child's life.

That's an extra large assumption. Let's remember, there are many different reasons for a woman to make an adoption plan for a child. Sometimes it's situational, sometimes, it's because the woman knows she won't be a very good mother. She's a hero to then find the child a good home, and to acknowledge her shortcomings. But, she may not be respectful, or helpful or even considerate, everyone is different. You can't assume.

Let's take a minute to consider adoptive parents. People who can't biologically pro-create. People who are contributing citizens and will raise healthy, happy citizens who will contribute to society. I feel adoptive parents are under appreciated in today's adoptive world. Adoptive parents who think independently and don't follow trends are even less appreciated. "Why aren't you doing what everyone else does?" Is the impression I get when around social workers and other parents in the adoptive circle.

I think life in general, but adoption in particular is about choice, and about putting choice back into the hands of the little one who had no choice. What about the child who was adopted, do they get a choice in any of this? No contact with birth mother, as it was 20 years ago, made it difficult for those who wanted contact. Now the trend has flip flopped, so everyone should be open and create one big happy family. Who's making these decisions, certainly, not the child. Assumptions were made, about what is best. Assumptions.

What about stability? What about simplicity? What about families who are complicated enough without adding additional complications such as biological families? What about building a secure, loving family, with a strong sense of who you are within that family? What about personal choice?

What about letting your child grow in a family knowing he/she was adopted, and once she's old enough (9 or 10 yrs) to understand what adoption means, allowing her to choose if she wants contact with her biological parents? What about protecting your child from possible upset by careless comments from biological relatives, when you, as a parent has been so careful about choices in language, to ensure your child feels respected and special?

Isn't this your child's story? Is it ever safe to assume what anyone else wants? Isn't it always better to ask, especially when the topic is so important?

There's a saying, that says, "Never assume," for good reason.

I'm not saying being open in adoptions is bad. I just think that some prospective adoptive parents may be figuring out that there's a bit of a game when filling out the adoption application. If you say you're interested in an open adoption, you are more likely to be picked by a birth mother. Semi-open is also an option, but not as popular these days, in which you know the first name, not last name of the birth mother. You can communicate by letter through the adoption agency, but no phone numbers or addresses are exchanged. Of course, you need to be honest and have integrity and follow through with your application submission. Semi-open adoptions can give you time to get to know the biological mother and determine her stability and life philosophies, and whether or not she would be a positive influence in your child's life.

There are biological family members, that we are no longer in contact with, because they were mean spirited, and we were very concerned they would be disrespectful towards our daughters, because they were adopted. I feel children deserve that kind of protection. I will protect my children from any person who is a negative influence, whether the person is biologically related or not.

I respect my children's choices, I will not assume, I will ask what they want. This is their story, not mine. I will not let a social worker bully me into making assumptions. I stand against the trends, I protect my child's right choose.

A Response to Landmark Education Concerns

2010-01-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

Landmark Education. Those two words create a lot of very different reactions, ranging from extraordinarily positive to hopelessly negative.

This blog is a response to a reader's comment on my first blog regarding Landmark, "Landmark Education for Kids."

I wrote the first blog soon after I completed the Landmark Forum, which is the first course. I was on cloud nine and revelling in my new ultra-positive perspective of my life. I felt, for the first time in my life, I could create any experience, because I had new tools in my tool belt and I was excited about creating better relationships with my friends and family and also to live in a more peaceful, happy, way of being.

I have found that I am more peaceful, content, and powerful, since taking 3 Landmark courses. Am I perfect? No. Do I want to be perfect anymore? No, definitely not.

Anyone, who takes any sort of self-help course, will get different things out of the experience. I consider myself to be a fair, well-balanced person, willing to look at both sides of any issue, before making a well researched decision. I have no regrets about taking the Landmark courses I have completed. I have learned ALOT from them, and I continue to benefit daily, from the principles and philosphies I've taken in from my Landmark experiences.

Having said that, I can understand how people are turned off of Landmark courses, when they see people they know become arrogant or judgemental and think everyone should take Landmark courses. Please understand, this is not everyone's approach, and in some ways it goes against Landmark principles. It is true, that Landmark leaders do encourage people to bring friends and family because, let's face it, Landmark is also an organization who wants to survive as well and their survival as an organization is based on butts in seats. The other side to that is people are excited about their new way of living and they want to share with people they care about.

After having more time and experience with the organization, I can say they have some amazing and wonderful philosophies that are very, very helpful. Life comes at you with all sorts of surprises, some welcome, some not. After taking a few Landmark courses, I may still worry a bit, but not nearly as much as I used to, which leads to peace and happiness. I'm currently taking a break from Landmark courses so I can better support my family and slow down enough to really practice some of the valuable life lessons I've learned.

I choose not to judge others who haven't taken Landmark courses, because Landmark is not 'the only way.' I let people around me know how it has benefitted me, if they're interested, they'll look into it. I trust, that they'll come to find their path in their own way. Landmark Education is a patchwork quilt of borrowed philosphies, ideals and common sense. The content is nothing new, but the way it's delivered, as courses with people sitting next to you to share with, is a very effective way to stimulate change in one's life.

Did I always agree with the approach the Landmark leaders took with encouraging particpants to bring others? No. Do I think it's a perfect organization? No. Do I think it's been a catalyst for millions of people to wake up and really live and get excited about their lives and their own potential when they weren't before? Yes. In my humble opinion, Landmark Education teaches its participants to be more compassionate, better connected, more loving individuals. That's a good thing. It may not be a perfect organization, but I for one, am very thankful for the experience and for Landmark in doing their best to create more peace, love and harmony in our world.

If you'd like to read more about the Landmark Forum experience, check out http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-odasso/my-landmark-experience_b_105502.html

Once your child starts school... Be an Advocate

2009-11-21T14:31:00.001-08:00

My daughter started "big school" this year and we were both so excited. She loved her experience at preschool and was ready for bigger and better things ahead in "big school." I've always loved learning and school, since she's such a curious, enthusiastic girl, I was convinced she'd love it too and have a wonderful experience.

The first few months have been a very bumpy ride. Instead of 'bigger and better' the tone in the class is quiet and controlled and my daughter is confused by all the rules, and frankly so am I. One day she came home in tears because she got a time out for singing while choosing a book. I went in to talk to the teacher the next day, it was my third meeting with her. I got some of the back story and shared some of my views as well, emphasizing that it's important to me that my daughter enjoy school and there be a balance in the classroom, so she can express herself as well.

My husband and I ended up speaking with the principal, who basically said to go back and talk to the teacher. Next stop, the school counsellor, I hear she's more helpful mediating with the teachers in this school. I'm learning to be patient - after all, Rome wasn't built in a day!

The world of parenting brings all kinds of surprises, having problems with teachers and principals wasn't one I ever expected to have! Be open minded, balance the needs of the teacher and class with the needs of your child. Be patient, but most of all, be involved. Your kids will thank you for it!

Appreciate your family, Live right NOW

2009-11-17T20:40:00.000-08:00

Who are you being? Do your kids feel like you understand them? Do they feel you get who they are? As an adoptive mom, I am much more aware of who my daughter(s) are and who they are not. I don't hold any illusions that they are like me. They are, who they are. This can still prove to be challenging when personalities are so different, sometimes it's difficult to understand where the other person is coming from.

I still practice being completely immersed in the moment. I notice a real difference in my kids when I am being present. They are more calm, and seem to be more at peace. They don't fight, and seem to be more happy. Living life in the present moment, knowing it's the only time you truly have is the world our children live in. They don't know any different. As parents, when we join them, we acknowledge who they are and where they're at in that moment. The result is amazing. Such an experience creates a true connection, a wonderful way to be. Since a relationship is the history of interactions with a person, the more of these true connections, the better.

Landmark Education for KIDS

2009-08-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

I just completed my first Landmark Education course on the weekend. The experience has changed my outlook of my life in a wonderfully empowering way. Landmark Education is an organization that specializes in personal development. You make decisions about what you want to change in your life and the Landmark facilitators help you come to your own conclusions about the best way to make those changes in your life. They teach you tools that you can then use in your life, to get the results you want.

Everyone who participates will take away something different. What I learned, is my relationship with myself affects the way I interrelate with others. If I change the way I 'interact' with myself, I can change my relationships with other people and in doing so, change 'my world.' I felt, in the past, I was trapped by situations, circumstances, other people's attitudes, and by my own temperament. I've learned now that I created my personality to begin with, based on situations that happened to me throughout my life. I can do that again, but in a more positive way, which will result in me being more serene, self-assured and happy.

I also learned that reading a book is not the same as an experience such as this. There are not typically lasting effects from reading a book, even if the book is inspiring. There is no replacement for the experience!

Upon reflecting on the postive experience I had with Landmark Education, I decided that I would like both of my daughters to participate in the Landmark Forum (1st course) for kids (8-12 years) when they are old enough. I think this type of education is particularily valuable for children who were adopted. They will learn that they are not a victim of circumstances and that they can choose to create the person they want to be regardless of whether they were adopted or not. Feeling empowered is an amazing feeling and I want both of my daughters to feel empowered in their lives.

Deciding Whether or not to Meet Your Birth Mother / Biological Mother is a BIG Decision

2009-06-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

Relationships are complicated and adoption adds another layer of complication. Deciding whether or not to meet your biological mother is a HUGE decision. It's a decision that should not be taken lightly and should be thoroughly thought through.

So many assumptions can creep into adoptive relationships. You can assume that a meeting with a biological mother will be enlightening, illuminating and very positive. You can assume it will be emotionally overwhelming or a generally negative experience. Assumptions must be put aside. There are too many unknown factors. These are the "red herrings" of adoption.

All I know is, if I were adopted, I would feel that since it was decided that I have a different family, a non-biological family, without my input, I would want to (attempt to) control the remainder of the process. Whether I want to contact my biological relatives or not, should be my decision, with no judgements from anyone, especially members of my family. It's my history, I should be able to decide.

I also know that if I decided to meet my biological relatives, I can assume nothing. I would imagine, that I would want to be as neutral as possible. I'd be curious to see someone who looked like me and see how much we had in common because of our shared DNA. But in the back of my mind, I would never assume that we would have an amazing connection the first time we meet. I would never assume that I would even -like- my biological mother. She could just as easily be a successful business executive or a janitor. She is a completely different person from my (adoptive) mother, so I can't assume that she'd be like my adoptive mom but look like me as well.

Once I met my biological family members, I couldn't erase the experience. What are the chances they are eager to meet me? Is there any reason why they wouldn't want to meet the child they made an adoption plan for, so many years ago? Remember, that meeting the child they made an adoption plan for, may remind them of a failed relationship and of a time in their life when they were struggling. Have they overcome? Haven't they overcome? None of this would be a reflection on me and who I am, but rather is more about the biological mother and her situation, then and now.

I know I'd have alot of questions. I'd want alot of answers. Be wary of expectations that travel with assumptions. Take one step at a time, don't be afraid to let everyone know that you are entitled to start and stop contact as you see fit. It's not about the parents anymore, biological or adoptive. It's about those who are adopted, reclaiming the other part of their story, if they choose to.

Parent - Child Relationships: Creating Deep Connections that Last

2009-05-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

One of my goals as an adoptive mom is to take steps early on to ensure I have good relationships with my daughters. I feel like there's a vulnerability in not having biology in common. I also feel that my relationship with my daughters should be solid, so that if and when emotional ups and downs come and as they start to understand the adoption process more, that they will come to me with their questions.

I know I'll always be their mom, but I don't want to take that priviledge for granted.

So that begs the question, what makes for a quality relationship with your children? What are the key elements to create not just a bond, but a lasting, close bond that endures even once your children become adults? It's clear that relationships between parents and children change dramatically once the children become adults. What are the key elements in making sure the connection with your child continues to evolve as your child grows and develops?

I'm still searching for those answers. As a best guess, I'd include respect at all stages, and also fun and play. Humour is such a powerful tool to connect, but for some of us who grew up in ultra serious homes- that's often "easier said than done." I think if your child feels that you trust them and allow them to be as free as possible they will thoroughly appreciate that space for them to "grow in." Also, by giving them authentic attention, without being distracted, they'll know they can rely on you being there for them when they need you.

Not judging our kids and allowing them to be who they truly are, is a BIG one. This is a tough one, for many of the moms I've talked to regardless of whether they're children are biological or adopted. As parents we have hopes and dreams and expectations of who our children could be. As a mom of a 4 and a half year old and a 2 year old, I realize more and more that it's not about me. There are decisions I must let my girls make without me, so they get practice. Yes, they may fail, but they will learn more from those times than from success and it is only their personal experience that they will truly learn from.

Some of their decisions may embarass me, like choosing wierd outfits to wear to school and the like, but I feel it's more important that my girls get comfortable with making their own decisions, free of judgement, so they can be leaders in the future. If they aren't allowed the freedom to take risks as children, they will definitely not take risks as adults.

Positive communication patterns are so important as well. How does your child feel when they're having a conversation with you? Are they defensive most of the time? Do they expect a negative reaction? Are they relaxed? Does your child feel heard by you? These patterns of communication start when children are young and are a cornerstone in the foundation of your relationship with them. What can you do now to help with the communications patterns once your child becomes a teenager and their friends are much more dominant in their life?

Freedom, lack of judgment, fun, respect and positive communication patterns, I feel are key to building quality relationships with our kids. If you think I've missed something or have found something that works well with strengthening the bond with your child- please let me know!!

The Perfect Parent

2009-03-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

Perfectionism. A badge of honour? A helpful motivator? Or an excuse to delay and avoid really living? I have always quite enjoyed being a perfectionist, I found it to be quite satisfying, likely because my maternal role model is a perfectionist as well.

I've found lately this idea of trying to be the perfect parent is just overwhelming. There is too much to take on, and not enough time to just be. I recently attended a workshop that linked perfectionism with anxiety. I was stunned at the correlation and didn't realize how many problems this affinity for perfectionism was causing me.

Being an adoptive parent, I want to be an excellent parent, if not perfect, to my girls to help prove my devotion and love to them and to help them know that they matter. They may have been adopted, but they matter to me. Is this too much to ask, when anxiety becomes difficult to control? I think so.

Life's funny. They say you get out of it, what you put into it, and sometimes, I feel I'm trying to put too much into it. Why is it so difficult to accept shortcomings? Whatever the answer, it doesn't really matter. What's more important is to model being comfortable with being imperfect, learning to laugh and make light of shortcomings. Those lessons will help children more as they grow, than trying to be perfect.

Another one of those Daily's

2009-02-03T14:30:00.000-08:00

I've been getting to know some of the other parents in my neighborhood. There's one mom in particular who has a daughter the same age as my eldest. Our girls get along well, whenever they're together, which isn't very often.

This particular mom is pregnant and due in 3 more months. She's hinted at getting the girls getting together for a play date, but I've been avoiding the topic entirely. As, I'm sure with most women who are pregnant, she talks alot about being pregnant and what the delivery experience was like with her first daughter. I'll be more willing to get together, once her second child's been born. I love to talk about baby's!

Well, as anyone reading this blog would guess, since I'm an adoptive mom, I've never been pregnant. I have nothing to contribute to the conversation and furthermore, don't feel comfortable telling this woman in particular that we're an adoptive family. She talks alot and I don't trust that she'll keep it to herself if I told her.

I like the idea of maintaining control of who I tell about our family- though it may be unrealistic to think I can maintain control over the news. The reason I do this is because I feel that if I only tell people who I think will be respectful of the topic, then my girls are less likely to be hurt by an ignorant or rude comment.

My caution about who to tell what, brings to mind some questions about disclosure. Should I be more open? Am I being too careful? Will my girls understand and be cautious too, or will it make them feel like there's something wrong? Transracial families look different from one another, so there's no choosing, no option of privacy. Does that make it harder, but at the same time more honest, because it's more open?

I would love to hear feedback about what other adoptive families do. I plan to tell all of our close friends that we're an adoptive family. But when it comes to people I know in the neighborhood, or parents of children my child plays with, I just don't think everyone needs to know the ins and outs of my family. I don't care to know all the ins and outs of their's. It's my family and I'll say what I want to!!

Biological Siblings and Adoption

2008-12-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

The topic of biological siblings is a complex one. What's the best way to introduce the concept of biological sisters to a child who was adopted? What is the best age to approach the topic? What choices in language will help your child understand the concept of biological sibling, while still maintaining focus on family and siblings within the adoptive family?

Every situation is so different. In my family, I have two daughters, so I would very much like the priority to be their sibling within our adoptive family. Biological siblings must be talked about, and I believe that it's up to the child to decide if they want to meet their biological siblings.

My current feeling is that it is best to talk about the birth lady first. We've talked to our eldest daughter about how we're an adoptive family and she came out of another lady's tummy. But her birth lady is also a parent now, so in the next year or so we'll need to talk to my daughter about birth lady's daughter. Is it wrong to leave out the part about a biological half sister? This is complicated stuff to a 4 year old. She's still developing the concept of family in her own mind. What does a mom do, what does a dad do, how do I interact with my sister? My daughter is clever, so in time I know she will put it together. But will she resent me for not laying it all out for her?

My other thought is that I'm just worrying too much, and that however I approach it, it'll all come out fine in the end. So long as I treat the topic with respect and follow my kids lead, it'll be okay. I'm so protective of my girls, I want to do my best to ease any emotional rough patches while my girls are learning just what it means to be a part of an adoptive family. I know I also have to learn to let go and to trust that all will be well. When they're older, they will go out and traverse the rest of their emotional journey on their own. Who knows, it may not be very emotional at all!!!

More Than Just a Movie Review ~ "Then She Found Me"

2008-11-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

The movie, "Then She Found Me" is about a woman in her late thirties who is contacted by her biological mother. Helen Hunt plays April, the main character, and she is in the middle of a marriage break up at the time, so she is already very emotional. The biological mother, Bernice, played by Bette Midler, will not take no for an answer and is a tour de force in her own right. April is of course curious at first, but soon discovers that Bernice is quite a selfish woman and tries to sever the relationship. Bernice persists and they both work at the relationship so they're able to arrive at a place where it works for both of them. The movie is based on the book of the same title by Elinor Lipman.

April's adoptive mother has recently passed away, which makes things much less complicated for April and Bernice to work out the kinks in their rocky start of a relationship. April comes from a family where her brother was a biological son to their parents. She always felt she was different in the family because of that, even though her mother insists that parenting is the same for both a biological and a child who was adopted. April is not so sure.

April's biological clock is ticking and with the break up of her marriage she considers adopting, and is reluctant, but does so at the end of the movie. She seems to be quite happy as an adoptive mother.

In my research about the making of the movie, Helen Hunt, as the director maintains the primary theme of the movie is Betrayal. The main character is betrayed by her husband, since he cheats on her. She is "betrayed" by her birth mother, for making an adoption plan. There is a momentous scene in which April confronts Bernice and forces Bernice to admit that Bernice wanted a life more than she wanted April. This is the crux of the "adoption betrayal" in this movie.

This is a BIG question. As a biological mother, making an adoption plan, is that a betrayal to the child? No. Let's be honest. Women making adoption plans are nervous about their circumstances. Do they have enough support for the monumental task of parenting a child to adulthood? Financial support and emotional support? If they follow through with the adoption plan, the resounding answer is NO. They don't have enough support, they feel they won't be a good parent because of a lack of support. It is then a gift to the child to place him/her for adoption. The gift of a life.

A betrayal is for a selfish parent, single or married, to keep the child and never think for a minute what is best for the child. We all know this happens. This happens in rich and poor families. What is best for the child. The child should always be the focus. A betrayal is a single mother who decides to parent and has a string of live-in boyfriends which creates a very unstable environment for the child. Is a biological mother/father who is an addictive gambler/drug addict/alcoholic, someone who has betrayed their child? Absolutely. Is a parent who habitually physically abuses their child betraying their child? Definitely.

A betrayal is to make major decisions about the child's life, without keeping in mind the best interests of the child. Being a biological or an adoptive family, makes no difference.

A betrayal is also aborting a child. Never giving the child a chance to live. Who could that child have been? What would his/her dreams and hopes have been? Who would her friends have been? Who would he/she have influenced? Whose mother/father would she/he have been? This question is rarely raised. If I was adopted, I would definitely prefer being adopted over being aborted and never existing at all.

Who has asked biological children if they WISH they had been adopted into a different family? Children living in crack houses or in families where a biological father or uncle is sexually abusing them. Children who know their parents don't care about them. They don't feel cherished. They don't feel loved. For the 18 years of bad parenting, these children feel lost for the rest of their lives. They may live til they're 90 or longer. The betrayal sits at the core of their very being and is with them everyday.

In conclusion, I hope I've made it obvious that I strongly disagree with Helen Hunt's premise that placing a child for adoption is a betrayal. Making an adoption plan is one of the most loving, selfless things a person can do. It takes courage and I hope birth mothers are proud of themselves for doing so. They put the child first, we should all be grateful.

It's a Daily

2008-11-15T21:16:00.000-08:00

Here's another daily. I was chatting with another mom the other day. We were talking about toddler tantrums, when she asked me if I was pregnant with my second child when my eldest daughter was throwing such intense tantrums. I was stunned. No one had ever asked me that before. I tried to quickly do the math in my head but it wasn't coming quickly. At what age would my eldest daughter have been if I would have been pregnant with my second? Since both of my daughters were adopted, I've never been pregnant. In the heat of the moment, after a pause, I just said it wasn't an issue. Clearly I didn't have any problems with handling my eldest child because of being uncomfortably pregnant. For that I can be thankful, as my daughter had some very intense tantrums before the age of 2. I found it difficult enough to handle the tantrums, let alone being in the midst of an uncomfortable stage of pregnancy. The conversation moved on and away from pregnancy after that. I didn't feel the need to mention we're an adoptive family- I just met the woman!!

There have been times when moms I've just met have asked me about being pregnant or breastfeeding. The questions catch me off-guard and I seem to find a way to be vague and somehow answer the question and then change the subject. People don't seem to probe too much, because you just never know the reason why someone doesn't want to talk about a personal issue. It is after all, a personal issue. I'd imagine as the girls get older, I will tend to meet other parents whose children are older as well and perhaps these pregnancy questions won't come up. It'll likely be something else by then, just to keep me on my toes!!

New York Times

2008-10-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across an adoption blog on the New York Times website. The contributors for the most part seem to be honest and insightful. Their focus, as with mine, is to find what is best for children who don't have families. Have a read and decide for yourself...

http://relativechoices.blogs.nytimes.com/

Shout out to Birth Moms Everywhere- Thank you!

2008-10-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't done this enough, and that is to thank birth mothers/birth ladies/bmoms- thank you ALL! Of all ages, all races, in all countries, in all situations, thank you, thank you, thank you! I cannot even begin to comprehend how difficult it must have been to feel a child grow in you for 9 months, experience the miracle of life and then make a choice to not parent. The pain of not knowing if or how or when you may see that precious, amazing little miracle again must be almost unbearable. I can only imagine it being the equivalent of choosing to have your heart taken out and residing outside your body.

We know you are doing the best you can. We know you are trying. We know you just want the best for this child and you are their hero. You really are. As a birth mother, you should be proud that you made a difficult choice and you put someone else's needs before your own. That is what a hero does.

Heroes aren't perfect, no one is. Just know that you have made a difference in the world by your selfless act. Your biological child is in a stable loving home, and because you were responsbile enough to make an adoption plan, you have helped a child feel more secure because they are in a two parent home with lots of love and support.

It's easy to be selfish, especially these days. You have helped a couple grow a family, something they wouldn't normally be able to do. That is a miracle, in and of itself! You have done your best to care for this child, by finding someone else who will be better able to take care of this child.

Adoption is sometimes complicated, but it is also a gift. It is a gift of reaching out into the world and helping others. It is a gift of peering deep within our souls to discover who we really are. It is a gift of knowing we all have imperfections and none of us are perfect but because we're trying to do better, it will be okay. We are human, and this is life. Helping children is the priority. Let's help each other.

Adoption Can Stop Family Cycles

2008-10-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

Pardon the humour in the picture juxtaposed with the topic of this blog. I'm having a little pictorial fun, with a rather serious topic. A "family cycle" on a bike versus the behavioural and genetic cycles of biological families.

In any case, there are many ways in which adoption can interrupt destructive family cycles and this is a very good thing. Be it alcoholism, disorders with genetic predispositions or just plain bad behaviour that's passed onto the next generation. Adoption can interupt the cycle so the family can then have other, more healthy options for the next generation.

I participated in an art therapy workshop. I sat beside an interesting woman who spoke about her biological son who was autistic. She was very interested in adopting because she wanted another child, but couldn't handle another autistic child. She and her husband had the genetic predisposition to most likely create another autistic child. She said she had to quit her job to manage her son's disability full time. He had a team working with him to try and keep up with his peers as best as possible. She seemed exhausted physically and emotionally with the demands of working with these challenges.

She looked to adoption as her salvation of sorts. This experience was an eye opener for me. Reminding me to always keep things in perspective. Biology is not always your friend.

I find as an adoptive parent, I'm more thoughtful about what's best for my kids. What can me and my husband do more of, less of, to be better parents. I believe we have more empathy for our kids, because we also have experienced loss and therefore want to be better and do better for our kids.

I think about my own childhood and what molded me and what characteristics I would like to change in myself so my girls have a stronger, healthier role model to look up to. Honestly, kids rarely listen to what we're saying, but they often mimick what we do. This is what shapes them. As the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words," this can work for us, or against us.

I am changing myself and am doing better, and the best motivation is to do it for my kids. Perspective is everything, you create your own reality, and the reality of your kids.

When I sometimes worry about any bumps my daughters will have along the adoption road, I think of a quote from Helen Keller. "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthed, vision cleared, ambition and success achieved." The struggle may be difficult, but it builds a stronger person with greater depth of character. The kind of person who would be a great daughter(/son), friend, or spouse.

"Birth mom" versus "Birth lady"

2008-09-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

Here I go again opening my big mouth. But that's what blogs are about aren't they?

In previous posts I've mentioned how extremely powerful language choices are when speaking to a young child in particular. Think for a minute, that you are a child (ie. 5 yrs and under) and you accept whatever your parents say, must be true.

As a child, listening to your parents, whom you spend ALL your time with and you rely on them for every basic need, from comfort to food, to having fun. You hear your parents talking about the other mother that you have, the birth mother. This mother is different from your mother though. You may never have met her, you may not even know what she looks like, you don't know her very well at all. Yet she is your other mother. Well, what is a mother? What does a mother do? How does a mother make you feel?

The word "Mother" is such a powerful word, most of us take for granted what it means. When you are a young child, your mother is your world. So to find out that there is another mother of yours out there whom you may or may not have even met, means alot to a child who is adopted and would be confusing.

This is why I've chosen to use the term "birth lady" with my girls when referring to their biological mother. I'll only use this term when they are young, so they understand the adoption process and who's involved, a little easier. The ins and outs of adoption are kinda complicated. When my kids are older, such as 9 or 10 years old, they can call their biological mothers whatever they want. "Birth mom", "bio mom", just the bio mom's name, whatever they choose is fine. By that age, their brains are developed enough to truly understand what being adopted means. It's during these early years, I'm trying to lessen the confusion for them.

Let's look at the flip side, because I'm all about opposing view points. One of my friends thinks I'm being selfish because I'm choosing to use the term birth lady instead of birth mother. Am I being selfish? Is this all about me? If this were all about me, I'd insist they always refer to their birth lady as the birth lady and never make any reference to her being their mother. They do share DNA with their biological mother. But does getting pregnant automatically mean you get to be called mother if you choose not to parent?

Is a mother a person you have a relationship with? Is a mother someone you share DNA with? In biological families it's both, but not in adoptive families. These are complicated issues, why place the burden on a young child to sort it out? They will have plenty of time when they're older and understand more, to debate this within themselves.

In the meantime, think about what's best for your adoptive family. So for today, think about your choices in language from your kids point of view and do what's best for them. And that's all I have to say about that: )

P.S. I've focussed on the word "mother" in this article mainly because birth mom is used more than birth dad, because often the birth dad's aren't in the picture.

The Openness Conundrum

2008-09-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

I recently received a letter from one of my girl's biological mothers. I appreciate her keeping in touch, as it will show my little girl, when she grows up, that her biological mother cared enough to keep in touch and is genuinely interested in finding out, how she is doing.

There were however a few things in the letter that inspired some questions. The first was that her birth lady continues to call her by her middle name (the one her birth lady chose), not her first name that we gave her. So I wonder, will this bother my little girl when she's old enough to read these letters?

The second is that in the letters, her birth lady continues to refer to the biological father as if they are in a stable relationship, which we were told, they are not. That is the reason an adoption plan was made for our little girl, is because she was (as are most adoptive children) born into a situation where the biological mother wasn't capable of raising her by herself, mainly because of the instability of the relationship with bio dad. Will this also be confusing for my little girl when she is older?

My third concern involves some pictures that the birth lady sent. In one picture her birth lady is sitting in a sports car. We were told that another reason why the birth lady made an adoption plan is she didn't have a sufficient income to support a child on her own. Then why is she sitting in a sports car? I'm very sure the sports car isn't hers. I'm sure she thought the picture was fun and that's why she sent it, but it's confusing for a child who's been adopted to deal with an inconsistency such as this.

I often think about what I can do to make this easier for my girls, I'm careful with my language choices, I have a few books in the house about adoption and adoptive families. Whenever a question comes up, I answer it as honest and best I can in a respectful manner, taking in to consideration the age of the child posing the question.

My question is, are biological parents as careful? It's difficult to generalize. But honestly, most often children who are adopted are rescued from rough situations involving dysfunctional people. People who are not capable of providing adequate parenting for a child. Does it serve the child well to constantly be reminded of that dysfunction by maintaining a completely open adoption throughout the child's early life?

I believe wholeheartedly that there are open adoptions where everyone is benefitting from the visits. But are they the minority or the majority? Has any research been done on that? Why do the social workers and adoption agencies BLINDLY promote open adoptions without taking into consideration the needs of those involved on a case by case basis?

Openness should evolve as the parties get to know each other and trust is built. The primary directive should always be what is best for the CHILD. I understand that many birth ladies are eager to maintain a relationship because they are genuinely concerned about the child and let's be honest, it helps alleviate the guilt/shame that they chose not to parent. But this is only partially about the birth ladies. The children must be the priority.

I know this is likely contraversial, but I believe that pictures and letters are sufficient for openess for most adoptions (again if all parties are eager for a full on open adoption and it's working out- great!). Home movie DVDs are great to send to birth ladies as well- a nice to have. I think that having visits with the biological family is confusing for children when they are young. Think of the power of the word "mother." Then think of how confused you would be if you were a child and you knew who your mother was (she lives with you everyday), but then someone else said you have another mother, but she was a stranger to you?

Once the adopted child comes to an age, such as 18, when they have formed their own self-identity and have emotional maturity, then I would want them to meet with their biological families, if they so chose. It should be their own choice, because this is part of their past, their story, their life, they should get to control it.

The adoption process is supposed to focus on the child and find the best situation for them, let's make sure it truly is the best for them.

Sperm Donation and Adoption have Similar Issues

2008-08-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

I read a magazine article recently about a group of unrelated families who have something very important in common. They chose the same sperm donor to be the biological father of their children. They didn't expect to be seeking each other out, but they felt they needed to in order to get some answers to their questions. Their main question was whether or not other children with the same sperm donor had autism as well. They found that to be true.

However, after contacting the sperm bank numerous times, they were told that the sperm donor's contact information was confidential and there was no way to contact this biological father. This would be a frustrating black hole. As a person with infertility problems I can understand the urgency one feels to start a family, and to have to turn to complete strangers and trust that all will be well, even though you're no longer in control- it's tremendously difficult. Then to find out later that all is not well and not even be able to find out important medical history about your child could be incredibly scarey and frustrating.

My husband and I briefly considered sperm donation, but felt that if our child wouldn't share both our DNA, then she/he didn't have to share any of our DNA. I'm glad to have the medical history of all biological parents and current contact information for both of our daughters' biological mothers. I trust the biological mother's would be able to find out any other medical information we would need, should the need arise. At the same time, unexpected medical issues can come up from out of the blue with biological families as well. Some dear friends found out that their son has Crohn's disease, they were shocked as none of their immediate family had the disease, but later found out a great uncle had a form of it. You never can predict.

One the flip side, I've seen interviews with people who have sought out the sperm donor who carries the other half of their genetic code. An anonymous sperm donor holds half of the genetic answers to who you are. The quest for identity. The quest for a complete history of one self. This also sounds like the quest of an adoptee. Wanting to meet someone who looks like you, who sounds like you, who hiccups like you, needing to know one's history is a fundamental need. To say it's not fundamental, is to not understand the makings of identity, the importance of knowing from whence you began.

All I'm trying to say is, if you've discovered you or your mate is infertile, consider all your options carefully before jumping into anything. Be it sperm donation, egg donation, in vitro or adoption, they all have pros and cons. Be honest with yourself and your mate, and in future, your child and don't pretend that just because your child carries half of the genetic code of the union with your mate, all will be well.

Don't underestimate the gravity of chosing to create a family via sperm donation and don't keep it as a secret from your child if you do go that route (they always seem to find out one way or another). Think about the decisions you are making now and if you and your child will continue to respect those decisions 20 years from now. There are no guarantees, no matter what- biological families included. In some respects that's the beauty of it, the leap of faith into parenthood.

The Role of Parent

2008-07-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

I take being a parent quite seriously. Maybe it's because I've always wanted to be a mom more than anything else. Maybe it's because for awhile I thought I wouldn't be a mom and that was scary. Maybe I feel my girls deserve the best mom ever to make up for the possibility of them feeling rejected by their biological mother. Maybe it's because I was chosen to parent two lovely girls and because I was chosen, I take it more seriously. Whatever the reason, I'm often thinking or reading about how to be a better parent.

Am I driven because I am an adoptive parent? Yes, I am. I know I wouldn't put nearly as much energy into bettering my parenting skills if I had biological children. I think it'd be easy to be more complacent and take the children for granted, if it all would have come easy.

But shouldn't all parents take parenting more seriously? Absolutely. If people were less selfish and spent more time with and thinking about what their kids need to become balanced citizens, we'd have a better balanced society.

Comical Adoption Ramblings

2008-07-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

I thought of this the other day and I couldn't help but chuckle, so I thought I'd share. I was thinking back to when we picked up our second daughter from the hospital. The town she was born in was 2 days drive from where we live. So we stayed in a hotel overnight on the way there so our eldest daughter (2.5 yrs at the time) could have a break from sitting in the car (she was so patient!) and get a good night's sleep!

We continued the drive the next day and arrived at our destination- another hotel in the town where our second little one was born. I'm skipping over alot here, but I'm trying to get to the funny part. We picked up our sweet little dear the next day and started driving back, stopping at the same hotel, since we were already familiar with it.

Well, when we went down for breakfast the next day, we received some, shall I say, very confused looks. First of all, staff noticed that within a matter of 2 days we had another child. Second, I, the mom, didn't look pregnant the first time they saw me and certainly didn't look like I had just given birth 2 days prior. People asked how old the baby was, she was 3 days old at that stage and they were shocked once again, because she was a -big- baby and I am not a -big- mom.

When we arrived home, my husband took my eldest daughter to a class, while I stayed home with our new babe. A friend of mine, who knew about our second adoption happened to be at the local community centre and asked my husband how the baby was. The woman she was standing with didn't know we were an adoptive family and she was really shocked and said she saw me just last week and I didn't look pregnant, how could I have given birth- my husband explained that we're an adoptive family so the pieces came together for her.

Comical? I think so! I've talked about how the second adoption was even more emotional for us than the first one was for us, but that doesn't mean there weren't a few funny bits too. Live, Love, Laugh!!!

Adoption Scrapbooking Supplies

2008-07-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention in my previous scrapbooking posts about where I found adoption scrapbooking supplies. I looked in a few local scrapbooking shops and couldn't find any papers or stickers that were related to adoption. It's always a good idea to ask staff in the store as they may be able to order some supplies for you even if they don't have any in stock.

I bought adoption stickers both on Ebay and from a website called Scrap and Tell, http://www.scrapandtell.com/. The supply on Ebay changes on a regular basis, so if you don't find anything, keep checking. The Scrap and Tell website specializes in adoption scrapbooking supplies and has alot to choose from. I found their service to be excellent.

Unfortunately, my eldest daughter's adoption story scrapbook was already finished before I thought about looking for adoption scrapbook stickers and supplies- but I have lots for my younger daughter's adoption story scrapbook!

Happy Scrapp'n!!

Adoptive Families hosting Charity Birthdays

2008-06-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

This is an idea I've been mulling over lately. Wouldn't it be great to host a charity birthday party for my kids? My children don't need charity, but there are lots of other kids who do. I would plan to first, choose a charity. Ideally I would short list a few local children's charities, and then let the birthday girl make the final decision. Then I would contact the charity and find out what it is that they need.

The birthday invitations would mention that no gifts for my child are necessary, but we will be donating to Charity X, so please bring X, X, or X in lieu of a gift.

I always host big birthday parties for my girls. It's alot of work, but I know it must make them feel special and I enjoy doing it. I would invite the same number of friends and family and still make it a fun party for my birthday girl. The only difference being, no gifts will be opened.

In the days after the party, I would want my girls to come with me to take everything that was donated at the party, to the charity of choice. I would encourage my girls to learn about the children that will be helped because of their donation.

This is a wonderful idea and could be done in biological families as well, not just adoptive families, but there's something special about doing this as an adoptive family. It's easy sometimes to focus on our own problems. Often the problems grow bigger when we focus on them too much. A Charity Birthday and subsequent donation may remind a child who is adopted that there are children out in the world with all kinds of different needs. If it's bothering them, that they are adopted, and they are different, getting involved with a charity reminds them that their life isn't so bad. There are people out there with much bigger problems, and that is a healthy perspective to maintain. There's always something to be grateful for.

"My Adoption Story" Scrapbook Details

2008-06-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

As promised, here are some more details about the Adoption Story scrapbook I created for my daughter. We were fortunate that my eldest daughter's birthmom was very considerate and gave us pictures of our daughter while she was in the hospital- it's so wonderful to have those early pictures.

I felt it was absolutely essential to create an adoption story scrapbook for my daughter. I wanted to provide her with as many details as possible about those early days, how she came to join our family and memories of her birthmother. I did my best to re-create those early days, and explain things clearly and tenderly as possible and be completely honest of course. I think she'll appreciate it, when she's old enough to take it in.

I kept a little notebook in my purse after we got the phone call from the social worker. I kept a daily log and detailled what happened and how we were feeling. I later used the information from the notebook, for the details in the scrapbook. I wish I would have taken more pictures. It's such an emotional time, taking pictures on top of dealing with all the emotions, while everything is happening so fast, is difficult. I wish I would have asked other family members to take more pictures of us as a family as well, especially in those precious first few days, to make sure we were all in the pictures!

Page by page, this is how I created my daughter's "My Adoption Story" scrapbook.

Page 1 - A picture of my daughter as a newborn with the Fleur Conlking Heylinger poem:
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously
My own.
Never forget
For a single minute:
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it.

I love this poem!

Page 2 - A description of what my husband and I were doing a few days before we got "the phone call" from the social worker. We were painting the baby room - meant to be- or what??!!! so I included before and after pictures of the room.

Page 3 - Monday, the day of "the phone call", including as many details as possible. The social worker contacted my husband at work first, and then he called me. They scheduled a meeting with the birthmother in two days (Wednesday). Tuesday was a hard day to wait through- I don't think I was very productive at work! I included a picture of my daughter at 2 days old. The picture was taken at an odd angle, so I photocopied the picture in pink tones at Office Depot and put a piece of vellum on top.

Page 4 - Wednesday, the day we met with birthmom. I included as many details as I could remember about that meeting. What the office was like, who was in the room with us, what we talked about. I asked if I could take a picture of birthmom, but she said she'd rather send a picture later. So there is no picture on this page, just my writing about all the details. What did birthmom look like, what was she wearing, how long did we talk for. I did my best to re-create the scene.

Page 5 - There is one single question on this page in the middle of a circle, which in the middle of the page. The question is "What do you remember about ___________(birthmom's name)? I wrote out some other details, that I wasn't able to include on page 4. I started writing at the circle, and created the outline of a flower petal with the text I wrote. Once complete, it all looks like a flower. I mentioned how she moved, which was very quickly and with lots of energy, that she had a great sense of humour, but it seemed like something was weighing heavy on her mind. She had brown eyes and brown hair that was pulled back. I described her clothes, how tall she was, that she had a beautiful smile, etc.

Page 6 - The question on this page is "Why did _________(birthmom's name) decide to make an adoption plan?" I wrote down all the sentences, I remembered her saying, in quotes, as to why she made an adoption plan. Such as "Unfortunately I'm not the best thing for her right now." And "My parents made mistakes with me and my brother and I don't want to make the same mistakes." Also "Realistically my family won't be there to help me." etc.

Page 7 - "Why did _________(birthmother's name) choose us to be (my daughter's name)'s parents?" I wrote down all the reasons we heard from her and from the social workers as to why she decided that we should be our daughter's parents. For example, she liked that I (mom) am artistic. She also said "Sure I gave birth to her, but you'll be her parents." etc.

Page 8 - A picture of our daughter at 1 month old, sitting with all the gifts she received from her birthmother.

Page 9 - The day Thursday, that we had to wait one more day to meet our little girl. We met with birthmother the day before, so I described what we did on this day. We went shopping and got some baby basics together to get ready for Friday. We also started calling friends and family to tell them about the good news.

Page 10 - The day we met our little angel for the first time and brought her home from the hospital. I included a picture of me holding her in the hospital and a picture of the hospital sign. We were very fortunate to have 2 hours with the nurse in a private room in the hospital to hold and cuddle with our little one and take lots of pictures of our first meeting.

Page 11 - I discuss our meeting with the nurse, who was, I may add, fantastic. She told us what our daughter's experience was like in the hospital, what her favourite rocking position was, and other preferences, for example, she didn't like being swaddled and preferred to have her legs and arms free. I wish I would have taken a picture of this wonderful nurse who was so patient to answer all of our questions.

Page 12 - A picture of the three of us in the hospital, mom, dad and baby! Proud parents is the caption underneath the picture. I then describe our (fast, but safe) drive home and that our girl slept the whole way home.

Page 13 - "First Night at Home" I wrote a few paragraphs describing our first night together. Baby was fussy, so just after midnight I ended up cuddling with her the rest of the night and she slept better and settled right in. I included a picture of dad holding our baby, while grandma and cousin watch on.

Page 14 - I chose to end with another adoption poem, I'm not sure who the author is, I found it on the web. I included a picture of me holding my little sweetie. I also wrote a quick blurb about how old she was when I started talking to her about being part of an adoptive family. She was six months old.

Here's the poem:
If we had to do it over again
Adoption is what we'd choose
We got more than we had hoped for
The day we adopted you
For you have given us more in life
Than we could ever want or need
You made our house into a home
And made our family complete
We love you more than life itself
For all the things you say and do
And if we had it to do over again
You'd be the only one we'd choose.

That's a rap! That's the last page of my daughter's adoption story scrapbook.

I then went on to create a scrapbook of our daughter's first year. I included a picture of the day she was born, but the rest of the pictures are from when she came home with us. What a blessing she is to us! In the fall I will start working on my second daughter's adoption story scrapbook- it's a good winter project, right now my garden needs to be purged of weeds!

"Martian Child" Movie Review- An Adoptive Mom's Perspective

2008-06-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

The movie "Martian Child" with John Cusack, Bobby Coleman and Amanda Peet, was recommended to my husband and me by a family member. This family member felt the topic of adoption was handled beautifully in this movie and thought it would be a great idea for both of our daughters to watch it.

My husband and I were excited to watch the movie after such a glowing review. We've been talking about keeping an eye open for movies that have a positive message about adoption and adoptive families.

After watching the movie, I profoundly disagree with the person who made the recommendation.

I agree that the movie is heartwarming. I agree that the movie is well done, well acted, and well scripted. I would imagine that most adults would find this movie touching and thought provoking. I do not think this would be a good movie to show children who are adopted.

My perspective comes from trying my best to imagine viewing the movie from a child's point of view. Children do not have sophisticated reasoning like an adult, and will often take shortcuts in their reasoning because at their age, that is all they are capable of. For example, the title of the film is "Martian Child." The title aptly describes the main character in the film. However, would a child who is adopted feel that she/he is weird too, like the main character, just because they are both adopted?

The reason why the main character in this film is referred to as a Martian Child is because at 6 years old he has been abandoned and is old enough to know how deeply that hurts. He pretends he's from Mars in order to distance himself from others to prevent getting hurt again. It's possible that a child who was adopted when she/he was older, may find this movie encouraging. After all, there is a feel good ending.

John Cusack plays the role of the adoptive dad and does a wonderful job. He is patient and understanding of the boy, named Dennis. Despite tremendous challenges John Cusack's character remains committed and grows to love Dennis deeply. By the end of the movie it's obvious they share a very special bond.

Having said that, I don't think this movie would send a positive message about adoption to a child who was adopted at birth or soon after birth. Children adopted around the time of their birth don't typically have significant abandonment issues as children who are adopted when they are older. I think children who were adopted early in their life, would find this movie confusing and possibly disturbing.

Just because a movie has an adoption label on it, doesn't auutomatically mean it is appropriate to show your kids. Watch it yourself first, and make a decision that's best for your family.

Breastfeeding and Adoption

2008-05-22T21:13:00.001-07:00

I found it very difficult to find information on breastfeeding as an adoptive mom. I see there is more information available on the internet now, but there wasn't very much 4 years ago when I looked! I found a book, "Breastfeeding the Adopted Baby" by Debra Peterson and the book was very encouraging. The book reccommended using a "Supplemental Nursing Device" (I purchased a Medela SNS). I was quite excited to try this, as I was very curious to find out what it was like to breastfeed and had also noticed the copious amounts of information saying "breast is best."

Armed with both the book and the SNS I gave it a try and another try and another. To be honest, I found the process quite frustrating. Keep in mind, first of all that your baby is crying because she/he is hungry. So my daughter was crying in the background while I first heated the formula and then strapped on all the gear for the SNS. The SNS includes a bottle that hangs upside down around your neck and two small tubes, that are each taped in appropriate locations- you know what I mean. At the same time I was trying to figure out how to encourage my little one to latch, since she was already quite happy with her bottle.

I ended up calling my local adoption association and asked them if it really is possible to do this. They referred me to an adoptive mom who is a nurse. She described the tremendous amount of effort she put into breastfeeding her child, who is adopted. After 3 months of using the SNS for every feeding, and using a breast pump in between, she still did not produce any of her own milk. She also mentioned her concern with ensuring the tubes and SNS were properly sterilized after each feeding. It's easy for the tiny tubes to become blocked if there's the slightest lump in the formula. All in all, the conversation was not encouraging.

I also found out that you would need your doctor to prescribe a hormonal supplement to encourage milk production. I knew that using a breast pump many times daily was also supposed to stimulate milk production, and this I did not do. I thought I'd take it one step at a time and use the SNS first to see if that worked well, before moving into breast pump and hormone supplement territory.

I've concluded that it's relatively easy to stimulate milk production if you have breastfed in the past. Your body already knows what to do, so to speak. Since I've never been pregnant before and certainly never breastfed, I would consider it a miracle if my body somehow started producing milk.

I spoke with my doctor about the breast being best propaganda and she said the only thing missing from formula is human antibodies. So there's a chance that a formula fed baby will get sick more often. You may have to be more careful by making sure people who are sick with a cold, etc. don't come too close, but there is no difference nutritionally.

I'm sure bonding is more easily facilitated when breastfeeding is possible. There are other ways to encourage bonding with a child who is adopted and breastfeeding doesn't necessarily have to be involved. I snuggled with my little one and made sure we had some skin to skin contact as often as we could. I would usually do this during the night feedings, it was a special time for both of us. I also bathed with her in the bath tub for some skin to skin contact as well. I can't imagine being anymore bonded to a child than I am to both of my girls. I would do anything for them.

I think it's very important to always hold your baby while they drink from a bottle, so you can cuddle and get to know each other. I've seen biological kids whose bottles have been propped, so there won't be any bonding happening there.

Attempting to breastfeed a child who is adopted is a very personal decision. Don't feel guilty if you can't breastfeed. Babies have survived on formula for the past 50 years, your's will too. Consider your goals. Do you want to encourage bonding or do you want to stimulate milk production? Remember that so long as your child has love and nutrition (ie. formula) that's all he/she really needs.

Adoptive Wrinkles

2008-05-11T05:27:00.000-07:00

I believe I mentioned in an earlier post that I've kept this blog anonymous so that I can be more honest and open about my experience as an adoptive mom. This post is a prime example of that. I'm a private person and wouldn't normally tell the world about occurrences in my private life, but I'm hoping that "talking" about it will help other adoptive families.

Let me start off by saying my mother is a kind hearted person who loves children. She would never intend to harm a child or especially another family member. But in the world of adoption, things can sometimes be confusing, and a little wrinkley. My mother has a wonderful and I'm not exaggerating, she does have a wonderful bond with my girls. They are lucky to have a grandma like her who makes it clear that she loves spending time with them.

However, I noticed that when she was introducing us, as a family, she would mention the nature of my relationship, and my husband's relationship to her, but when it came to my daughter she'd just say her name, with no relationship attached. She'd say "This is my daughter and son-in-law and then just say my daughter's name." I know this "wrinkle" was not intentional, it caught my mother off-guard. She likely hadn't given introductions much thought.

After this happened a second time, I spoke with my mother and asked her if she feels like a grandma to my daughter. Of course she said she did, so I asked her to introduce my daughter as her granddaughter. I will not tell a lie, I was upset. It was another one of those "hiccups" that come up with an adoptive family that no one is necessarily prepared for when it happens.

But reason eventually comes back into focus and I realized it wasn't so bad, it wasn't intentional. After that, my mom made a point of choosing birthday cards, etc. to her granddaughter. She hasn't introduced us for awhile, so I haven't been able to see how she would introduce my daughter these days. It was very important to me to "iron out" wrinkles such as this before my daughter was old enough to pick up the subtle difference herself.

Again, perspective is key. There are biological families who have members with special needs and I'm sure things come up among family members as well. Even without special needs in the family, differences are picked up and sometimes highlighted. Just being shy in an extroverted family or short in a tall family, is enough to make one feel set apart.

The key to reducing wrinkles is to maintain boundaries of respect and keep communication lines open. There will always be some wrinkles, but they're just a little bumpy, and are by no means roadblocks. Just keep on keep'n on!

Adoption "Lifebook" versus "My Adoption Story" Scrapbook

2008-04-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

Choosing a medium to help your child document their special adoption story is an important decision. For those who are short on time and not particularly crafty, purchasing a "Lifebook" may be the appropriate choice for your family. A Lifebook contains pages with templates to help with filling in important milestones in your child's life, particularly details surrounding how they came to join your family.

I, however, chose to create a "My Adoption Story" Scrapbook for my first daughter for a few reasons. The first reason is, I am fuelled by the creative process and love to create, so I appreciate the flexibility of creating a scrapbook from scratch. Another reason is philosophical nature in that I feel there is a fundamental difference in the titles of the two projects alone, "Lifebook" versus "My Adoption Story" scrapbook.

I feel the differences between the two different books sends a very different message to your child. "Lifebook" implies a documentation of your whole life. "My Adoption Story" on the other hand, implies a description of the beginning part of your life, describing how you came to join your family. The implications of these approaches is that with a "Lifebook" since you are adopted you are different for your whole life and need a book that documents that difference.

"My Adoption Story" scrapbook sends a message that I may have joined my family in a different way, but now I am a part of that family and we also have our own story together. If I were adopted, I would not want to feel that I am different for my whole life. It may be true, but I'd rather choose to think that adoption is the beginning of the story with my family and my family and I are writing the middle bits together as a family. We are in it together.

So, it's for those reasons that I have chosen to create an adoption story scrapbook for my older daughter and will do one for my younger daughter as well. I took as many pictures along the way as I could to help document the steps in the process. At times it was difficult to take pictures and I wish I took more, but there were moments that were too emotional and I just didn't have the energy to go and get the camera. In another blog I'll describe some of the page titles I used in my daughter's adoption story scrapbook.

Surrogate Mothers in India

2008-04-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

A pregnant belly. I always wanted a pregnant belly, but I couldn't have one. My only wish is that those who can have pregnant bellies, do not take the gift of life for granted (though I know alot of them will anyway).

But that's by the by- onto to the larger and growing issue of paying surrogates in order to start a family. It's imperative that all involved volunteer out of their own free will and that all medical checks are done along the way so the surrogate mother is well taken care of. If both of those conditions are met, I don't see a problem.

Is it any different to hire a surrogate in the country where you live versus elsewhere on the globe? In this global world, I don't think so.

My only concern is that this emerging industry in India lacks government regulation at the present moment, and that could pose some problems down the road. The regulations should be very strict and hospitals in India who are taking part in this should be watched to ensure they are ethical and that the surrogate mothers are well cared for and receive excellent counselling.

If all checks and balances are in place, who has the right to stop an infertile couple from starting a family and an Indian women who will be well cared for and earn enough from this to buy a house or send her children to school? I don't understand how that could be wrong.

What is wrong, is that infertile couples have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to start a family, when so many others can do so for free. At the moment, an Indian surrogacy is $30,000. Usually couples have tried at least one round of in vitro themselves first, which is at least $10,000 as well. $40,000 as a minimum is a staggering amount of money. Think about how many months or years you would have to work in order to earn that. It's not fair.

It seems to me, that people who have biological children who have never endured the frustration of yearning to procreate, can easily find problems with "renting a womb." Needing to reproduce is an instinct as natural as sleeping or eating. How would it feel to not be able to sleep anymore? You can feel you need it, but you just can't do it. It may not be fair, because other people get to sleep, but for one reason or another, and the reason is immaterial, the fact is, you can't sleep. That's the same feeling as not being able to start a family.

Are there a few major kinks yet to be resolved? Yes. Do I think they should proceed with caution? Absolutely.

Here's a Daily

2008-04-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

I call this a "Daily" because it's a daily occurrence, or almost daily occurrence that when we're out as a family, topics come up with strangers in which I answer carefully. I don't think everyone and their dog needs to know that we're an adoptive family. I prefer to only tell friends (family already knows) because I hope that they will treat the topic with respect.

Here's the Daily for today. I was out and about with my girls today and stopped at a cafe for lunch. We started chatting with another mom and grandma at the table beside us. One of the women commented that my youngest daughter must get her blue eyes from her dad (I have brown eyes). I told them that her nana has blue eyes and left it at that. This of course does not have much relevance anyway, because my daughter does not share any DNA with my mom, but they don't know that. Nevertheless, I didn't feel like diving into the explanation that we're an adoptive family and that's why we don't look alike, with complete strangers.

I know it's a bit of a cheat, because both of my girls are caucasian, like me, and strangers notice that we don't look that much alike, but we're all caucasian, so they shrug it off. The fact is, I don't want to tell everyone, everywhere, that we're an adoptive family, because I don't trust strangers to be courteous enough to ask only respectful questions. I'll be completely honest when I need to, and am always honest with my girls.

I'm always surprised at how complete strangers are so concerned with how families look alike. I never look for that. I suppose it's a topic of small talk that comes easy when speaking with a family you've never met before. Comparing physical features between family members has never been that interesting to me and is even less so, now that I'm an adoptive mom.

Once I was dropping my dog off at the local grooming shop, with my eldest daughter. A staff member, who was pregnant at the time, asked me how I lost my pregnancy pounds so fast. I told her, we're an adoptive family, so losing weight wasn't an issue. I also mentioned that adoption is more complicated in other ways.

A few months later, I was in dropping my dog off for another haircut, when the same, still pregnant and now very uncomfortable, staff member mentioned "I should just order one (baby) like you did." I was taken aback. I was glad that my eldest daughter, who was 2.5 yrs at the time, didn't understand the conversation. I thought the comment was quite callous, and clearly this person had not given a wink of thought to the pain of infertility or the complications and extra expenses involved with adopting.

By no means did I "just order" a baby, as if I ordering a pizza in a restaurant. A little respect please. This process is monumental for the child, the biological family and the adoptive family. Even a word like "monumental" can't come close to the gravity of the adoption process. In any case, since then, I've been more careful with telling strangers and semi-strangers personal details about our family.

In the back of my mind I wonder, if I'm handling this in the best way possible. Is there a better way to deal with comments from strangers? Should I be brutally honest all the time? Once my girls are older, I am not going to like the fact that they are witnessing their mother avoid answering questions, or implying things that are not true. Will they understand it to be part of life? Will they in turn tell little white lies to me so I "get off their back" down the road? Will it make them feel more self-concious about being adopted, or will they not care?

I'm trying to protect them and myself from potentially ignorant, callous comments. I also think it's my last grasp at some sort of control over the situation, since with infertility and to a great extent, adopting, I felt largely out of control of my life. Hopefully my girls will understand that I'm doing the best I can.

Topic of Adoption in School

2008-04-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

Lately I' ve been wondering how the topic of adoptive families is handled in grade school. I'm concerned about how family trees and other such topics will be approached in school. Will there be allowances for different types of families? My eldest daughter isn't in elementary school yet, but I'd like to be ready for when she is.

So far, my plan is to talk to the teacher each year, at the beginning of the year about the curriculum they will be covering and if there will be a focus on lineage or family trees within the year. I should also find a list of appropriate terminology when talking about adoptive families. For example, NOT to say "real parents" when describing the biological parents. I tell ya, nothing gets my blood boiling faster than when I hear someone say that. I'm sure they're not aware of how inappropriate such a comment is, when speaking about someone in an adoptive family. Nonetheless, I don't think it's too much to ask for a little consideration. In any case, I'm not sure what else to do to prepare, other than to keep the communication lines open with the teacher, especially if anything comes up at school.

I want to make be clear with teachers that I don't want my children to be singled out in front of the rest of their class. I would hope the teacher would ask a child ahead of time if they want to talk about their family, before discussing it with the rest of the class. I shouldn't assume though- I like to be prepared!

My fear is that someone, either a teacher or student will be disrespectful toward my daughter(s) because they are adopted. My rational brain tells me that there will always be mean children on the school playground, and if they don't tease my kids about being adopted, they'll find something else to tease them about. It's the nurturing, mothering, emotional side of me that never wants any hurt to become of my girls. I know that's unrealistic, but I still feel it.

Hopefully as my girls grow up, the topic of adoption won't cause them too much grief. I will always be honest with them, I just don't want them to be hurt by it. If they do have concerns I will be right beside them, ready to talk and ready to answer their questions. They were innocent little babes, when an adoption plan was made for them. Innocent little babes. They had no idea what was happening around them.

The media has been busy lately covering Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's family and has been very open about some of their children being adopted from different countries. I think raising awareness is great, so long as the topic is handled with respect, I'm all for it.

Raising awareness about adoptive families should help the rest of us, adoptive families. Better awareness and acceptance of adoption and the different faces of adoption, should help our kids, in school and out on the playground. Let's hope!

If anyone reading this has any tips on talking to teachers- I'd appreciate it!

Another Todd Parr Book Review

2008-04-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

I have to share another Todd Parr book that I read recently. "The Family Book," written and illustrated by Todd Parr (published by Little Brown and Company) is a fantastic read. This book talks about all the different types of families and includes a page that says "Some families adopt children." This is a positive way to include the topic of adoption in a children's book. I would prefer more of a focus on the parents choosing to be adoptive parents in an adoptive family with their sons/daughters. Therefore, there would be less emphasis is on the child being adopted. The child wouldn't feel like they're the odd one out. This really is a small detail though, I love the book and would highly recommend it to any family.

I appreciate the way the author describes all types of families, for example "Some families have two moms or two dads" and "Some famillies have one parent instead of two." He lightens the mood of the book by using humorous illustrations, such as "Some families live near each other" has a picture of two mouse holes with lots of eyes peering out. On the opposite page is the line "Some families live far from each other" with an illustration of martian families living on two different planets.

He also draws out commonalities that all families have, for example "All families are sad when they lose someone they love" or "All families can help each other be STRONG!" He finishes the book saying that "There are lots of different ways to be a family. Your family is special no matter what kind it is."

This book is very inclusive and reflects the real world. Some children do live with their grandparents, other children have two moms or two dads. This is real life. It's important all children are exposed to the different ways in which people live. Todd Parr handles the topic of different kinds of families in a respectful and somewhat light-hearted manner, which is always appreciated- especially by little readers! Enjoy!

Emotions when Adopting

2008-03-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

Both of my girls were under 1 month old when my husband and I picked them up from the hospital. They were both adopted locally and we feel very fortunate that we adopted them so young.

My eldest daughter was 2.5 yrs old when we adopted my youngest daughter. What took me by surprise was how adopting my second daughter was more emotionally draining for both me and my husband than first time around. It could be that since in vitro didn't work we had recently dealt with the issues of loss, with our first daughter. From the instant we saw her in the hospital, it felt so magical- we both definitely felt like it was meant to be. We were elated. I'm not sure if anyone has experienced this, but with our second adoption, wave after wave of painful emotions came back again. Don't get me wrong, we were thrilled to adopt for a second time and our second daughter was so sweet, she really went easy on us, as far as newborns go. But, I'm not a person to sweep feelings under the carpet, I prefer to deal with them head on, so these powerfully sad emotions caught me off guard.

I feel I need to say that never at any time have I been disappointed in either of my daughters. I continue to feel so blessed to be their mom. I think they are both amazing girls and I'm learning so much from them- I hope they're learning something from me too! I can say that I'm so thankful my second daughter was so patient with us adapting from one child to two. She's a dream, a sweet, sweet dream.

I was also surprised that these emotions took several months to subside. I was grieving the loss of my privacy. I was grieving the loss of simplicity. I was grieving a loss of freedom, that we had to rely on social workers (who were sometimes quite grumpy) and an agency to make our family grow, when I'd rather not have anything to do with them. I didn't ask for this. All I wanted was a family, how did it get so complicated? I was working through accepting all of that.

I'm happy to say I'm in a much better place now. Reminding myself, how lucky I am to be a mom, helps. Thinking of my girls' smiling faces helps tremendously. As I look around the world, it's not a perfect place and lots of terrible things happen to good people. If this is as good as it gets, it's good enough for me. I will gladly "buckle up" for the ride of being an adoptive mother. If I'm somehow being called to be an ambassador for adoption, then so be it.

Choosing an Adoption Agency

2008-03-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

Choosing an Adoption Agency is a very important decision. Adopting is an emotional process with lots of bumps and unexpected turns. Make sure you feel comfortable with the social workers you'll be working with through this momentous journey. Meet with a few different adoption agencies (if possible) and ask lots of questions. Keep in mind that this is after all, a business for them, so listen to your "Spidey sense."

I called our local adoption association and asked if they could give me the names and numbers of people who had recently adopted, so I could talk with them about their experience with the agencies they used. The adoption association was helpful and gave me a list of people, who had volunteered to be contacts for other prospective adoptive parents, like myself. I was able to contact three people from the list and speaking with them was interesting, even though none of them had used the agencies we were thinking about.

My husband and I met with 2 different agencies and immediately were uncomfortable with the "sales pitch" given by the director of the first agency. We heard afterward that some people loved that agency, and others had bad experiences with them. We decided not to sign on with them.

We did feel comfortable with the second agency. We compared the fees between both the agencies and the fees were comparable. Definitely ask for a fee schedule before you proceed though, each agency does things differently, including at what point in the process they require payment. One agency will request payment in lump sums of $2000, and another agency will request $4000 lump sum payments.

One of the reasons we went with the second agency is they provided a weekend information workshop without having to sign on with them. This workshop was very informative. Just being able to connect with other couples who are going through the same thing you are and knowing you're not alone, was comforting. The social workers facitilitating covered theory and psychology in adoption. There was also a panel of birth mothers, that told their story and we were able to ask them questions. This was very eye opening and certainly helped put aside fears of openess in adoption. The next day there was a panel of adoptive parents who shared their stories which was equally informative.

We also found out at the workshop that you can request a social worker to write your homestudy. So we requested one of the social workers who facilitated the workshop and we were very glad we did that. She turned out to be a wonderful support and resource.

We live in Canada, and in our province, the social workers who work closely with adoptive families are contract workers. They often have contracts with multiple adoption agencies. So if you like a particular social worker, find out which agencies they have contracts with and you can choose an agency on that basis as well.

If you initially meet with a social worker that was assigned to you by the agency and you don't feel comfortable with him or her, call the agency right away to request a different social worker. You will be spending hours talking with the social worker about your life and your philosophies about parenting, and other very personal information, so make sure you like them.

Yes, the information the social worker is gathering about you is very detailled and personal. If you're a private person, and the thought of telling a virtual stranger intimate details about yourself and your partner feels uncomfortable- then join the club! I'm right there with you! But stop and think about it from the birthmother's point-of-view. If you were a birthmother, wouldn't you want to know some detailled information about the couple who could parent your biological child?

We adopted locally for both of our girls. I cannot emphasize enough how important choosing an adoption agency is. The adoption agency you choose will be your guide through unknown territory, so make sure you trust them. Get a feel for whether the agency is pro-birthmother or pro-adoptive family or is there a balance? Hopefully there's a balance and the agency truly wants to make sure it's the right match by helping the birthmother find the right family for her biological child.

Does the agency provide adequate counselling to the birthmothers? This was very important to me. I wanted to make sure the birthmothers were receiving excellent counselling and support so it was less likely they would change their minds down the road. The social workers we spoke with said they helped the birthmother go through a list of possible options to explore the ways in which she could parent. The last option on the list was an adoption plan. I was very happy to hear that, because again, there would be less chance the birthmother would change her mind later on.

Do the agency staff seem organized? There is alot of paperwork and legal work to be done at various stages of the adoption process. Ensure you have faith that the agency will not lose important documents, etc. so your adoption will take place as smoothly as possible.

Remember, even the smoothest adoptions have bumps and every adoption is different. My kids are worth every bump along the way.

Thoughts on Adoption Language and a Children's Book

2008-03-06T20:55:00.000-08:00

I discovered a book that had the word "adopted" in it, so I had to bring it home and check it out. I wanted to go over it before reading it to my daughter, just to make sure the overall message was positive.

The book is "It's Okay to Be Different" by Todd Parr, published by Little Brown and Company. It's clear the author is trying to show children that there's nothing wrong with being different. Each page has one sentence with a picture and the messages are quite positive, such as "It's okay to talk about your feelings." "It's okay to say NO to bad things." or "It's okay to be proud of yourself." The book is also peppered with people with disablilities such as a blind lady with a seeing eye dog, "It's okay to need some help," or a boy in a wheelchair, "It's okay to have wheels." The tone is gentle and has a sense of humour as well, "It's okay to eat macaroni and cheese in the bathtub."

On the whole the book is very positive and inclusive. "It's okay to have different Moms. It's okay to have different Dads." And in the middle of the book, "It's okay to be adopted." My concern is that being adopted in this book is in the same group as having a disability, and is considered being odd/different. Being adopted is different, so is my concern my own issue, or does this book end up sending a negative message about adoption even though it's trying to be positive?

Part of my reluctance to share this book with my eldest daughter( who is currently under the age of 5) comes from a fundamentally different approach that my husband and myself are taking with our language choices when explaining adoption to my older daughter (explaining it all to my youngest will come when she's a little older). We've chosen to focus on our family as an adoptive family. We will not use the phrase, "She's adopted" instead we say "We are an adoptive family, and she is our daughter." If I were adopted, I think I would feel much more comfortable with the second choice of language.

To focus on our family, sends the message that we are all in this together, no matter what. Being adopted is not her (our daughter's) problem, it is part of the story of how our family came together. I also say, "I am an adoptive mother and she is my daughter." to take the "spotlight" off of the child, and place it on to myself. I don't want her to feel different, special is fine, but different nevers feels good, no matter how you try to rationalize it. I want her to know that our family came together in a different way, and that there are many different kinds of families. That way we can feel different together, instead of her feeling different, alone.

This rant is just a reminder to not assume that any book/article/t-shirt, etc. that is related to adoption will send the right message to your kids. By "right" message, I only mean the message you intend to send them about how you feel (and possibly they feel) about being in an adoptive family. How do you want(/hope) your kids to feel about being adopted?

Infertility and Adoption

2008-03-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. If I couldn't be a mom I'd feel incomplete, that's how strong the urge was for me. My husband and I went through the in vitro process twice- both attempts were obviously, not successful. I'm glad we went through the in vitro process because I always would have wondered if it would have worked, if we had'nt tried.

It's not fair that some people can make babies so easily and others can't with no rhyme or reason. My husband and I got married young and continue to have a strong, loving relationship. We'd been married for ten years before we started trying to have a family, so we knew we had a strong foundation. I never, ever would have guessed that we would have infertility problems. It's such a shock, I felt like I was in a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. It just wasn't fair that we did everything right and yet we couldn't move forward to start a family, something that was so easy for other people.

I still have difficulties seeing single moms in the grocery store or at the mall, who treat their kids with such disrespect and don't appreciate the gifts they've been given. Kids never get to choose their parents, but the idealist in me wishes every child could have two great parents, because that's what every child deserves, just for being born.

Infertility isn't fair, but if you want to have any sort of peace and be able to move on, you have to accept infertility for what it is. There is no why me. It is what it is. If you struggle against what you cannot change, you waste energy that could be better used elsewhere. I've made peace with our infertility, I cannot change it, I must accept it. Adoption is a wonderful option, but it's also more emotionally complicated than I expected. I'd do all over again just to be a mom, for me, it was worth it.

Adoption Blog

2008-03-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

I've started this Adoption Blog to help other prospective and current adoptive parents. I've earned my stripes! I know all too well the pain of infertility and the rollercoaster ride also known as the adoption process.

My husband and I went through the domestic adoption process twice with two different adoption agencies. The final court documents for our second daughter were finalized only a few months ago and what a relief that was! I'm so thrilled to finally be a mother of two wonderful girls!

I'd jump on the rollercoaster all over again to be a mom for my special girls, but the ride is bumpy and I suspect the bumps will continue. I want to be the best mom I can be for my girls, so when they're adults and look back, they'll be happy that I'm they're mom.